QUESTIONS and ANSWERS

ABOUT COURTSHIP
 

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WHEN SINGLENESS BECOMES A CROSS:
I pray every day for God to please send me a devout Catholic husband and I ask the Blessed Mother, St. Joseph, and Saint Therese to intervene.  I almost feel though that I am almost too old now to ever get married or have children.  I have no idea though how to figure out if it's my vocation or not.  All I can tell you is I've always wanted to get married and have children.  I love children and want so much to be a mommy.  This desire is hidden away in my heart.

CONFUSED IN A FRIENDSHIP:
I am 18 years old, and am great friends along with this other female friend with a guy (so its a three-some friendship).  This other girl has health problems, and because of this she has almost died several times. Our mutual guy-friend would have asked to develop a relationship with her - if it weren't for her medical problems.  Now I have reason to believe that he may be interested in developing a relationship with me sometime in the near future.  However, I feel like a second choice - a substitute.  I guess my question is, are medical problems a valid reason to avoid a relationship and pursue another, or is it some sign of weakness for when the going gets tuff?  Also, is it wrong to feel second-class in this kind of situation?  I'm very confused.....

HELPING A FRIEND WHO IS STRUGGLING WITH PURITY:
My friend is getting into a lot of trouble and I don't know what to do. She just recently told me that she doesn't see what the big deal is about having sex before marriage. I have told her that purity is a gift from God and she doesn't seem to care!

20 TIPS FOR WOMEN ABOUT COURTSHIP:
What are 20 tips about courtship?

USING THE TITLES BOYFRIEND AND GIRLFRIEND:
When a couple is dating, they usually call each other "boyfriend" and "girlfriend". When a couple is courting, are there any other names to go by, so that people know that you're courting and not dating?

JUST FRIENDS: BUT WONDERING ABOUT COURTSHIP:
I'm 19 and I've recently put a lot of thought into marriage.  When I think about who I could marry, I often find my mind on one particular guy.  I grew up with him. . . . My question is, is there a way to approach the subject of us beginning to court, without seeming pushy or like I am "hitting on" him?  I am a bit afraid to hear his response, for I feel like there's always a chance I could be rejected.  What is your opinion on all this? 

COURTSHIP VS DATING:
I am interested in a girl at my church.  I have talked with her about dating and have thought about courtship but don't know much about it.  I was wondering if you could inform me of the specifics and differences compared to dating...

FRIENDSHIP TO COURTSHIP:
I have been best friends with a particular woman for the last 5 years. . . . After 5 years, I feel as though perhaps a purposeful, holy, and intimate relationship with this woman might not just be possible, but it may even be God's will.  Can you offer any guidance on the matter?

AT WHAT AGE SHOULD ONE BEGIN DATING?:
What is your view about teenagers dating and how old do you think a person should be before they start to date?

NATURAL FAMILY PLANNING LOW DIVORCE RATE STATISTIC:
In your book, you state a statistic for marriages that stay together and divorce with those that use NFP having a less than 5% divorce rate. (page 323.) Can you please direct me to your source for this stat.

INFATUATION:
Addressing the situation of an active Christian man, in his early twenties, upholding the virtue of chastity in his life and unsure of how to get this one woman off his mind. . . .

STAYING CHASTE WHILE WAITING FOR MARRIAGE:
I am currently engaged to a wonderful, holy man!  He is such a gem!  When we first started dating he really started things off in a very prayerful note.  At first, I was the one struggling more with chastity but He held the reigns and helped set a good tone for the nature of our relationship.  But as the relationship progressed it has become increasingly harder for Him and, I feel, a bit easier for me to live out chastity.  But I feel bad because he says he wishes I had the same passion and desire he does.  And I do, I just feel that if we both let those passions take hold then we are really in trouble. We have a little over half a year to our marriage (not like chastity ends there though, which is great).  I know there isn't a solution to make all of this a "piece of cake." There is something beautiful in the struggle that we both realize which is so wonderful.  Through this we will be resurrected!  But in this time I just would love some advice about how to be a better more supportive fiancé and advice for him as well.

WHY NOT DATE? (WHEN ONE PARENT SAYS "NO" TO COURTSHIP):
Actually I am the mom of a 14 year old who has no problem with courtship.  The problem is that her dad and his family seem to think it is a bad idea for her NOT to date.  He even told her he wished she would not wait till she was ready to get married before she started dating.  Your thoughts for my daughter?  Thank you.  I am glad I found your web page. 

SEEKING DEEPER FAITH AND  DEVOTION:
I grew up Catholic, but not devoutly.  I have always gone to church (but not as routinely as I should have).  I am now involved as a teacher of our Sunday school and I continue to learn through that but, although I want to, I don't seem to be able to grasp the devotion that I know Joanie feels in the book.  I need to read more and get on the right path but where do I start?  I want to 'feel' more than I do, not just wish that I felt more. 

AGE DIFFERENCE – IS IT A HINDRANCE TO COURTSHIP?:
I'm 34 and considering courting a girl who is only 23 years old.  Is the age gap a hindrance?  Both of us are working in the same company.

DISCERNING FEELINGS FOR A PROF:
Please tell me how to stop liking my professor.  I am 21 years old, and he's in his mid-thirties.  He is not married – no wedding ring, and he's the most brilliant man I have ever known with a good sense of humor and he is really nice.  I know that it would be a sin if he was married or I was in high school, but I'm in post secondary. Does that make a difference?  How do I deal with my feelings?  I even went as far as not going to class for more than 2 weeks hoping to stop liking him, but it didn't work.  I like him a lot and I don't know what to do.  Please help. 

TEEN MAGAZINES:
Hi again, Carmen. I've been finding lately that all the teen magazines in the stores are just full of flirting tips and sexy clothing advertisements. Do you know of any magazines for teen girls that embrace Christian values?

WHY DO GOOD PEOPLE SUFFER?  (THE CROSS OF INFERTILITY):
I am 33 years old, married for 11 years to my high school sweetheart.  We both chose to save ourselves until marriage.  We planned our future so carefully so that we would be well established financially for having children.  After almost 2 years of trying to conceive, we recently discovered that I have 2 tumors that are the cause of my infertility.  I had surgery recently to remove one, and will have another one in January to remove the other tumor.  It just seems so strange to me that 2 good people like ourselves would have to go through this. . . . How do you explain this type of situation? Why would God do this to us?  I just don't understand. . . . Do you think there is a reason for all this suffering? 

LONG-DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP:
My boyfriend and I are currently in a long-distance relationship.  His parents are very upset that if he visits me he stays at my apartment and vice versa.  If we are chaste (sleep in separate rooms) is there a problem with this?  We cannot afford to rent a hotel room for one or the other of us to stay in.

CONTRACEPTION IN SPECIAL CIRCUMSTANCES?:
I'm currently taking medication that would harm a new life if I were to conceive.  Because of this, my husband and I practice Serena.  I know the church's stand on contraception, and I want to be a good Catholic, but would it be acceptable to use contraception as a back-up for Serena in this case? 

OPENNESS TO CHILDREN IN MARRIAGE:
If you've had a hysterectomy or similar operation/condition, can you still get married, even if your marriage won't be procreative?

DIVORCE AND CHILDREN:
My friends parents are getting a divorce.  I feel really bad for her.  Do you think that divorces are wrong?  Can they be prevented?  How can I support her now?

INFIDELITY IN MARRIAGE:
If your husband/wife cheats on you, should you break up or forgive each other?  What if they promise not to cheat again but do it anyways?

MARRIAGE PREP AND CAUSES OF SEPARATION:
Without courtship can one have a happy married life?  What can cause a family to separate?

CATHOLIC ON-LINE SINGLES SITES:
Do you really think there are good and holy Catholic men out there who truly are looking for a serious relationship that could lead to marriage and children?  Any tips or encouragement or prayers for better luck in finding one?   Either on Ave Maria Singles or Saint Raphael or offline?

CHALLENGES TO CHASTITY:
I am engaged and really struggling with chastity.  We want to conquer this before we get married in a year from now.  If you have any literature or tips that would be helpful we would appreciate it.

DEALING WITH CRUSHES:
Please help me! I have a MAJOR crush on my math teacher, even though he's as old as my parents and is married!! How can I get rid of this crush? Just wait it out, or is their something I can do? Am I a freak, or is this kind of thing normal?

COURTSHIP DURING THE COLLEGE YEARS:
I love the courtship idea and would like to promote it with my daughters. Some will no doubt be attending Catholic colleges here in the states.  What suggestions do you have for having the families involved while they are living away on campus?  Or should I encourage them to not even think about it until their senior year . . . and yet they will be with great young men and women of like mind.  Do they just do things in groups when some young man asks for a date?  Obviously they won't be completely isolated from males in a college setting.  Thank you in advance for your ideas on fleshing this out in a practical way.  

WHY COURTSHIP?
What are the dangers and pitfalls in courtship?  Why is courtship necessary to the marital stage?  What are the stages and development of a pre-marital relationship?

RAISING OUR CHILDREN FOR COURTSHIP:
I am a mother of kids ages 12 and down.  In today's society, how do I help my kids to feel "normal" and stay strong when their friends talk about dating?  I don't have the strong faith background of the characters in your book, and often feel that I will fail to support them along a difficult path that my husband and I ask them to follow.  If we choose courtship for them, all I see ahead are fights and arguments!

LENGTH OF COURTSHIP:
Which is better long-term courtship or short-term courtship? Why?

REAL BEAUTY:
Dear Carmen, I enjoyed your book except for one thing. It depresses me that even in a Christian romance, the girl (Joanie) is slim and very pretty, two things that I'm definitely not.  How can people like me ever hope to find someone to court, much less marry?

INFATUATION VS. REAL LOVE:
What's the difference between infatuation and real love?

EXAMPLES OF GOOD MARRIAGES:
My parents divorced before I was even one year old, and they don't speak to each other unless they absolutely have to.  How do I learn what marriage is supposed to be like if my parents aren't good examples?

DRESSING MODESTLY: 
Could you please give me some advice on how to dress modestly? I live in Saskatoon, and as you know, our summers are quite hot. I want to be cool and comfortable, but not at all sinful in the way I dress. Thanks for your help.

FAMILY-BASED COURTSHIP: 
One big aspect of the whole courtship thing is seeing the other person interact with your family.  How is that supposed to happen if you do not live in close relation to your family?

INTERFAITH RELATIONSHIPS:
What is your opinion on interfaith relationships?

ARRANGED MARRIAGES:
What does the church think about arranged marriages?

CONFLICT RESOLUTION:
Should a couple wait to get engaged until they have a fight, so that they know how the other person acts in that situation?

PAST RELATIONSHIPS:
What if you've already had a relationship with someone then you've decided to break up and now you've realized that you still love him?

TOO YOUNG TO GET MARRIED?
I'm 19 years old, and I've found the guy I want to marry. My problem is, am I too young? Should I wait?

WHO INITIATES THE COURTSHIP:
I have read that the man is supposed to initiate the holy courtship.  Does that make it wrong for a woman to propose it?

SEXUAL FANTASIES:
Is it normal to have sexual fantasies? Is there such thing as a healthy
sexual fantasy, or is it always wrong? Please help me, I'm so confused!

SPIN THE BOTTLE:
Is it wrong to play "spin the bottle" with your friends?  Isn't it just harmless fun?

KISSING:
Is is wrong to kiss your boyfriend?  I know that some people wait until they get married to kiss.

KNOWING WHAT YOU'RE LOOKING FOR IN A SPOUSE:
How can you know what you’re looking for in a husband or wife until
you’ve dated a few people?

WHAT TO DO IF YOU'RE NOT DATING:
If there's no dating until you are ready for marriage, then what do you do? 
Are you not allowed to have any fun?

MEETING MR. RIGHT:
What if I miss out on meeting Mr. Right?!?

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