Courtship Now

QUESTIONS and ANSWERS ABOUT COURTSHIP
	CONFUSED IN A FRIENDSHIP: **************************************************************** Question: Hi Carmen! I am 18 years old, and am great friends along with this other female friend with a guy (so its a three-some friendship). This other girl has health problems, and because of this she has almost died several times. The thing is, I happen to know for a fact that our mutual guy-friend would have asked to develop a relationship with her - if it weren't for her medical problems. Now I have reason to believe that he may be interested in developing a relationship with me sometime in the near future. However, I feel like a second choice - a substitute. I guess my question is, are medical problems a valid reason to avoid a relationship and pursue another, or is it some sign of weakness for when the going gets tuff? Also, is it wrong to feel second-class in this kind of situation? The knowledge that he would have preferred her over me if medical problems were absent makes me hesitant in regards to how I would respond if he should express his desire for a relationship. I'm very confused..... Dear Confused, First of all, I apologize for the long delay in getting an answer to you. As this ministry grows, my time restrictions as a home-schooling mother of six become more and more apparent! But I have kept you in my prayers and hope that you can still benefit from an answer from me in this matter. I certainly understand the nature of your confusion. I think in situations like these it is best to sort out all the separate issues and address them one by one. Question One: Are medical problems a valid reason to avoid a relationship and pursue another, or is it some sign of weakness for when the going gets tough?** Great question and one that I think bears serious thought. First things first! The nature of a married relationship is very different from that of a friendship. Marriage involves a level of commitment that is completely unique and therefore can not be applied as a standard for friendship which covers a broad spectrum of levels of relationship. The call for a man to stand by his wife or vice versa “in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health, ’til death do us part” is a level of commitment that is unique to marriage. It is not always easy. It can be very challenging. It can mean dying-to-self daily as a spouse lays down his or her desires for the other who is ailing physically, emotionally, or spiritually. But this commitment is so important that it is raised to the level of a vow which is sworn before God. And this is necessary! This unique vow is a safeguard for the couple themselves, but it also provides security for their children and it becomes the building block of society in general. In the Catholic Church, we see the covenant of marriage elevated to a sacrament, instituted by Christ to be a sign of the mystery of God’s love for His people revealed. And through this sacrament He offers special graces to the couple to be able to fulfill their vows – if they remain open to those graces! While it is important for friends to stick together through thick and thin, and while it shows a certain integrity of character to remain friends through good times and bad, it is not to be taken as the same commitment as marriage. If a friendship grows apart during tough times, that does not imply that a vow has been broken. It can be unfortunate – but it is also a matter of life. Friendships go through seasons, and not all friendships are meant to last forever. Some do – and that is certainly a blessing. But not all friendships should remain close forever. For example, to be close friends with a guy when you are young may be perfectly appropriate and fine. But if you later move into a courtship relationship, followed by an engagement and marriage with another man, it would be totally inappropriate for you to try to maintain the same level of intimate friendship that you had once shared with this other boy as children or teens. In fact, it would be very compromising to your relationship with your husband for you to be distracted by this other friendship. And I have seen good marriages destroyed by this very thing!!! Friendship has its place in our lives, but it is not the same as marriage and should be kept in a separate category. In doing this, we keep marriage reserved as the sacred, holy and unique institution that it is! Back to the issue: Are medical problems a valid reason to avoid a relationship and pursue another, or is it some sign of weakness for when the going gets tough? I think this is a perfectly valid reason. It could be that God is using this as a way to redirect the man’s attention – from a relationship that was not God’s will. We are human and we do not know God’s will with certainty! We pray; we discern; we seek to know it! But in the end, we can make mistakes. We can misinterpret the signs God sends us. We can be looking in the wrong place all together! Until a couple is united in marriage, it is perfectly valid for their hearts to change, for whatever reason! And it is advisable to heed those warnings along the way. If the heart begins to grow cool – then let it cool off now! Don’t wait until after marriage and then have regrets that you did not walk away sooner. Once married, a couple will have to deal with sicknesses and hardships as they come up in life – and they will, to be sure! Pulling together in mutual support during those times is part of the covenantal bond – and that is why the graces are there for a married couple. And if the heart begins to feel cool after marriage – that is a cross that the couple will have to pick up and carry for a time. But if they work at it, and are open to God’s graces, and are willing to lay down their own desires for a time . . . the flame of love can be re-ignited even more powerfully than before! God can transform their love through hard times! God can make it better than ever. And in marriage, that is required of a couple, if they want to grow in holiness! Outside of marriage – that kind of commitment is not required, nor is it always advisable! People need to know their limitations and respect them – or they may find themselves walking head-first into a miserable marriage, doomed to failure! And it is important not to lay guilt on someone for being honest about their limitations! The danger is that they would continue on in a direction toward marriage out of guilt. Those called to enter marriage must profess vows of coming, freely, totally, faithfully and fruitfully into marriage. If they came into marriage out of guilt, they would not be entering marriage freely at all! This would make their marriage invalid! Question Two: I feel like a second choice – a substitute. Is it wrong to feel second-class in this kind of situation? The knowledge that he would have preferred her over me if medical problems were absent makes me hesitant in regards to how I would respond if he should express his desire for a relationship. Understandably, you are confused!!! Who wouldn’t be? What I suggest to you is that you allow your relationship to develop with this friend naturally. After all, you are still young, and not likely ready for considering marriage at this stage in life just yet, anyway. Enjoy friendship during this season of your life. He may never initiate a romantic relationship with you. Over time you may grow apart as friends, and that is okay – it is part of life, as I mentioned above! You also need to explore your own feelings for this man. Just because he might be interested in you, doesn’t mean that you are interested in him. Sometimes a girl can allow herself to be attracted to a guy, just because he is attracted to her. But step back from the feelings and go deeper. Have you ever made a list for yourself of what you are seeking in a husband? This is very important. It helps a girl to sift through all the surface feelings that come with a new relationship. Does this guy possess the qualities that you want in a husband? If not, why pursue a romantic relationship with him? Stay as friends! What’s to be gained by transforming the relationship from friendship to romance if you know now that you would never see yourself marrying this guy? However, if he does possess the qualities that you seek in a husband, and you are genuinely attracted to him, then WHEN THE TIME IS RIGHT (and you are ready to be thinking about marriage) why not consider a courtship relationship – if he does in fact express the desire for a romantic relationship with you? I don’t think you need to feel second-class or like a second choice! Many good marriages began from two people meeting, who had first been dating other people. While in the midst of a romantic relationship, they discovered someone else out there. Does that make them fickle? I don’t think so. Again, friendship, dating and even courtship relationships are not marriage! The level of commitment is not equal to that in marriage. It does not mean that a man will be unfaithful in marriage, because he changed his mind while dating – or switched interest in girls that he was friends with! But if you do pursue a romantic relationship – I strongly encourage you to consider courtship over just jumping into a dating relationship. Courtship has many safeguards along the way – not the least of which is keeping the focus of the relationship on discerning marriage! If you enter a relationship with this mindset, you are miles ahead from the start! Not necessarily miles ahead toward marriage . . . but toward making a good decision about marriage. If you discover along the way that you cannot see yourselves marrying each other, you call off the courtship – nothing lost! But if the path opens up before you to marriage, then your marriage will certainly be blessed by the beautiful foundation that courtship will have given your relationship. I really recommend that you check out some other Q&A’s from my website: FROM FRIENDSHIP TO COURTSHIP http://www.courtshipnow.com/Q&A_friendshiptocourtship.html 20 TIPS FOR WOMEN ABOUT COURTSHIP: http://www.courtshipnow.com/Q&A_twentytipsforwomen.html I hope that somehow this answer helps you to sort out some of your confusion. In the end – confusion is part of the experience of life. We all go through confusing times, trying to figure out God’s will for us. Keep praying and seeking His will with an earnest heart. And take courage – in God’s time the smoke will clear and you will know what God’s will is for you in this relationship. We pray for our readers daily. I ask that you would remember in your prayers, me, my family and this ministry of promoting purity in the world. Blessings – In His Most Holy Name, Carmen










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