QUESTIONS and ANSWERS
ABOUT COURTSHIP
FAMILY-BASED COURTSHIP:
Question: One big aspect of the whole courtship thing is seeing the
other person interact with your family. How is that supposed to
happen if you do not live in close relation to your family?
That is a great question. I have been asked it many times before in
person. This is the first time, for my website that I'm addressing
it.
It is true, sometimes family is not available for a couple to be able to
enjoy a family-based courtship. Perhaps the courting couple lives far
from family, or they themselves are in a long distance relationship.
Perhaps family is not so supportive: maybe there is no faith to speak of
in the home or the family has suffered from divorce or separation. So, in
the absence of family what is a courting couple to do?
First, I'd like to examine what are the benefits to family-based
courtship? I believe family-based courtship serves many purposes!
One purpose is for you to see how the other person will interact with your
family, because family is so important. But it also is for that person to
see how YOU interact with your family. I can't emphasize enough how much
you will learn about how your future spouse will treat you, relate to you,
resolve conflicts with you, etc., just by seeing how that person treats
family, relates to family, resolves conflicts with family, etc. The fact
is, once you are married, YOU become the family. Patterns learned in
family life carry on — unless they have
been changed through concerted effort.
Another benefit is for your family to be able to provide you with valuable
feedback on your relationship with your boyfriend/girlfriend in
courtship. Their vision is often clearer because they do not have to deal
with all the "in love" emotions that come along with a courtship. They
can offer great insights in how they see you behave, or if they see
changes that concern them.
Also, family — especially parents
— make great "accountability couples" or
"mentoring couples" for the couple who is courting. This not only helps
to give direction and keep the young couple on track, but it also can lay
a wonderful foundation for an on-going supportive relationship through the
years.
As you see, interaction with family is SO important, it's benefits cannot
be underestimated! When family is not around, where and how can a couple
have these needs met in their courtship?
As much as possible, try to make the effort to spend some time with each
other's family. Plan holidays in each other's home towns. Invite your
parents and siblings to come spend time with you where you live. To the
best of your budget and abilities, set family as a priority!
Phone home often. Long distance calls are relatively cheap, when you
consider what is at stake here! Write home. Everyone loves to receive a
letter, even your parents! Use e-mail. It's cheap and you can fit it
into your schedule, day or night. Involve your parents in decisions. Let
them know how things are going. Seek their guidance. Keep the lines of
communication as open as possible.
Seek out at least one mentoring couple. This should be a married couple
who know well the Church's teachings on marriage and have had enough life
experience to be able to offer you good "parental" advice! If you are not
sure who to ask, go to your parish priest and ask for a suggestion.
Perhaps parents of good friends of yours in the place where you are living
would be willing to assist you.
Explain what you are hoping to achieve by meeting with this mentoring
couple:
- Advice for your questions about
relationships, marriage, finances, faith, parenting, family planning (this
is where knowing the Church's teachings is really essential!)
- A couple who will provide accountability for you in your physical
relationship. Give them permission to ask how you are doing
— to check up on you to see that you are
keeping your relationship pure. (Set guidelines for yourselves as a
courting couple. Share these guidelines with your mentoring couple and
allow them to ask specific questions.)
- Arrange to meet on a monthly basis or more often if it is agreeable to
all involved.
Especially in the absence of family, be sure to spend much time with your
friends. Friends can also provide valuable feedback. They have an
outside perspective on your relationship that can be very insightful.
There is a dangerous tendency for dating couples to isolate themselves
from their friends — don't cut
yourselves off.
Become involved in your church community. Attend church together. Do
outreach and service activities together. Find church-based support
groups: Bible studies, prayer groups and other social networking that you
can both be involved with. Growing in your faith as a couple is vital to
your relationship.
The broader the base of your community, the more support you will have to
stand on as a couple — whether you
decide to call off the courtship or proceed into marriage. And think of
the joy of celebrating with your community of faith, friends and family
when you do get married.
This advice is not just for those who live far from home. Every courting
couple should seek to be a part of a larger community. Do not carry out a
courtship in isolation! While family is very important to courtship, a
couple must learn to make do with what they can when family is not
around. God provides for all our needs in every situation. Look around.
There will be a family of faith for you, willing and able to support you,
if you are willing to allow them to share in your courtship experience.
The courtship movement is growing in North America. More and more young
couples are discovering the benefits and wisdom of this age-old practice!
Get resources and read about it. You'll be surprised how able you are to
accommodate your courtship needs, even when you are not living in the
"ideal" situation.
God wants to help you write a beautiful love story
with your life. He will provide you with all the ingredients you will
need when the time is right! All you need to do is trust Him and be open
to His holy will. Pray and discern!
I hope these thoughts on the subject of family-based courtship are helpful
in addressing your question. It's hard not to get "broad" in the answer
to any question on this matter, since there is a need in our culture to
"re-learn the lost art of courtship".
Be assured that you are in our prayers! Please pray for our
apostolate work of promoting courtship and purity. Thank you.
In His Most Holy Name,
Carmen
The information on this page is copyrighted by Carmen
Marcoux, 2003.
For permission to reprint, please contact the
webmaster.
If you have questions or comments regarding this site please contact
webmaster@courtshipnow.com