QUESTIONS and ANSWERS
ABOUT COURTSHIP
WHY COURTSHIP?
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Question: What are the dangers and pitfalls in
courtship? Why is courtship necessary to the marital stage? What are the
stages and development of a pre-marital relationship?
Dear Kathleen,
Wow! These are big
questions and I’m not sure that I can address them all adequately in the
space of a question and answer section on a website. I’ll give you some
ideas, but I highly recommend you get some books on courtship and explore
the topic more in depth. By far, my favourite book addressing the subject
is I Kissed Dating Goodbye by Josh Harris and his sequel to
that, Boy Meets Girl: Say Hello to Courtship. I think his
books give a clear and fresh perspective on courtship. They are full of
hope and humour, profound insights, real life
examples, and above all, an understanding of human nature. They present
the topic with clarity and charity.
I also encourage you to read through more of the information
I’ve given on courtship on this website. There are many excellent
questions to which I have given detailed answers. Many of those ideas
will complement what I could only touch on here.
What are the dangers and
pitfalls of courtship?
I’m not sure how to address this. I believe there are so many
dangers and pitfalls to what our society deems as “normal” dating, that I
really feel that courtship is a step beyond that.
I suppose one danger lies in that a couple could think just
because they call it a “courtship” that it is automatically better than
“dating”. The point though is this: it is not what you call it that makes
it virtuous, it is how you live it.
I suppose another danger may lie in anticipating relationships
too quickly. I think it’s important to enter into a courtship with
someone that you are attracted to and enjoy as a friend and would
seriously consider marrying. But that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t go
out on a few dates with a person first before you entered into a
courtship.
Obviously, going out on a few dates with someone would help
you get to know them to decide whether or not you are really interested.
No one expects you to go straight from meeting a person into a courtship;
that would be foolish. But I think that going out on numerous dates
without any real direction is potentially very dangerous. You either know
within a matter of dates whether or not you want to pursue a relationship
with someone, or you don’t. Perhaps you need to step back as friends for
a while. Maybe the flames of romance will come later . . . at that time,
you can try again. If they don’t come at all, then it’s best you don’t
waste time and invest a lot of emotional energy in an intimate
relationship with that person.
Each relationship is going to be very different. I don’t
believe there are hard and fast rules here for courtship. There are some
guidelines. But these need to be applied and custom fit to each
relationship and each circumstance, in order to be successful.
I suppose another danger may lie in becoming so dogmatic about
courtship that you miss out on the fun and the adventure of romance. But
then again, regular dating can seem like fun and adventures in romance
until there’s a series of broken hearts left behind!
Another potential danger to consider is that in a courtship
relationship there is the specific direction of discerning marriage, which
means the stakes are higher than just in a regular dating relationship.
Some people might feel more devastated when this breaks off. But once
again, there is devastation after dating relationships break off as well.
The protection in courtship is that because a couple chooses to limit
their physical relationship and guard their purity, when there is a
break-up there is less chance of being overcome by regrets!
And, of course, because there is a definite direction to the
relationship with courtship, the couple can be more honest; there are
fewer head games. For example, how often in a dating relationship is the
one of the persons involved left wondering: “Is he really serious about
me?” “Is she getting too serious? I’m not ready for marriage!” There is
an honesty and integrity about the courtship relationship that helps to
protect a couple from the abuse of use! They know from the outset what
direction the relationship is going – they are actively discerning
marriage together, not second guessing each other.
Why is courtship
necessary to the marital stage?
I believe that a
courtship relationship lays a foundation for marriage in that it allows a
couple to develop many of the virtues and skills that they will need for a
good marriage: self-discipline, self-sacrificing, patience, right
judgment, discernment, open communication, trust, fortitude, perseverance,
maturity, faith, hope and love (to name a few).
Whether you call it dating or courtship is not the point. The
point is the way you go about the relationship. I’ve outlined some ideas
about courtship on my website, entitled “About Courtship”.
What are the stages and
development of a pre-marital relationship?
Here again I reiterate
that each and every relationship is different. The uniqueness of each
person and every circumstance make it difficult to write hard and fast
rules on any kind of relationship. What I can offer here are guidelines.
Acquaintance. At some point you have to meet. It could be as children who grow up together. It could be school mates. It could be a chance meeting at the grocery store. It could be at a party. It could be a blind date. Whatever the circumstances, you have to first make each other’s acquaintance. This stage can fun, exciting, frustrating, memorable, or go completely without notice. Whatever the experience, meeting is the first step.
Friendship. At some point your relationship has to evolve into a solid friendship. Sometimes that happens before romance develops. Sometimes romance develops first and then it is advisable to keep it cool so that a friendship has time to form. Take time to get to know each other – your interests, desires and goals in life. If you can share a dynamic friendship before you’re married, you’ll have a good chance of carrying on with a dynamic friendship after you’re married. Marriage is more than just romance – there are many ways in which a couple must be able to get along, resolve conflict, make decisions and share dreams. These are skills you can learn through friendship.
Courtship.
At some point in your relationship you are going to make the decision to
evolve from friendship to courtship. This could come quickly or take
years to blossom – each situation is unique. But the decision to court is
a decision to take time, as a couple, to discern whether or not God is
calling you to marriage. An essential element during this time is
prayer! Pray alone; pray together. We can not know God’s will if we
never talk to God.
Be careful not to allow your heads to so rule over your hearts
that your leave out the romance. Courtship should be a dynamic, exciting
and fun season in your life.
The decision to marry is one of the biggest decisions you will
ever make in life. Courtship provides a framework so that you can make a
good decision . . . one you can live with for the rest of your life!
Check out my section “About Courtship” to get some ideas about how to set
guidelines for yourself as a couple and how to get the most out of this
time of discernment.
Betrothal/Engagement. Having discerned God’s call to marry
each other, the couple becomes engaged. Courtship is not engagement . . .
it is discernment. Engagement is now a time for preparation for marriage
. . . not just a time for planning a wedding.
Read, study and grow together in your understanding of
marriage. There are excellent books and programs for marriage
preparation. A mentoring couple still will be valuable to you at this
time as you prepare for marriage.
This also continues to be a time of prayer and blessing,
romance and adventure. It is a season in life that you want to be able to
someday look back upon with fondness, not with regrets. Many of the
guidelines you set for yourselves in courtship will carry on through the
period of betrothal . . . you are not married yet and physical intimacy
still needs clear boundaries.
Marriage. Entering into marriage following a pure and holy
courtship relationship is, I believe, the best gift you can give to each
other. Whatever your past (whether you’ve lived a pure life or not) you
can begin today to choose purity and chastity. With every sacrifice you
make to live a pure and holy life, you are storing up new treasures for
your future marriage. The self-discipline and self-sacrificing that comes
from the decision to live out purity and chastity will bless you and your
future spouse and children.
Trust that God has a perfect plan for you! If you give Him
your best, He’ll be able to meet all your hearts desires!
Thank you for
your excellent questions. We pray for all our readers each day.
We ask that you would remember me, my family and this ministry of
promoting courtship in your prayers as well.
Blessings,
In His Most Holy Name,
Carmen
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